I just pynch a tree in the face
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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