Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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