I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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