if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
