Ambien. No doubt about it.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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