We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
