My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
