my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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