So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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