She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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