Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
