im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
