I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
