Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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