That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
