shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
