I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
God gave him joint rollers for hands
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
