Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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