Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I can't put those talents on a resume
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
