dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
