Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
