you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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