Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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