my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
and she was petting her beer can
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
