then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
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and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
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only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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