my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..