I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.