dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
