I want to have your abortion
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
