1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
