well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
