How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
