This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Houston, we have a squirter
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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