the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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