Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
