A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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