My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
