I'm going to jail i love you
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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