Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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