Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
