who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
