It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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