My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
