You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
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I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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