oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
