Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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