There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
