Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
3pm strippers are depressing
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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