Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!