if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
