Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
