Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
