if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
