The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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