After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
