I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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