Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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