Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
